day #30 "repent...that I may heal you"

The semester is winding down & here we are.

Me: More imperfect than ever. Feeling the weight of the world crashing down on me. I am trying so hard to find my footing and get back on track, but I am struggling more than I ever have. Trying really hard to rely on God. 

But I am searching to find that peace again. That part of me that is motivated to be the best. I am tired of just skimming through life

I know that that purpose of this assignment was to grow and develop the attribute that we had decided on. With my attribute, I definitely tried really hard this past month to work on becoming the best me that I could. But I failed. I slipped up and fell many times. I tried so hard to be that person that I used to be, but I failed. From the outside looking in, my progress on the this project seems dismal.

But if there is one thing that I learned is the incredible importance of the atonement. Never in my life have I viewed the Atonement like I do now. It is honestly the only way that we can ever return to live with our loving Heavenly Father. It is the greatest gift we will ever receive in our lives. And although this has probably been one of the hardest months of my life, I know that I had to go through this for a reason. Because of my trials & mistakes, I now have an infinite gratitude for the Savior and his atonement in my life.

I am eternally grateful for this assignment we had. It really made it so I took a step back and really evaluated how my life is right now. I wasn't happy. I knew that there was need for some hard changes in my life, but I know that the Lord has always been right next to me.

I love to think of that story where a man is walking down the beach. There are two sets of footprints in the sand. The man can see these and recognizes that God was walking with him along the beach of life. But then the storms come and trials come. At this point of darkness, the man only sees one set of footprints. Discouraged, he asks God that in the time of his deepest sorrow and most difficult trials that God left the man alone to walk down this part of the beach. God simply replied that He never left, but that there was only one set of footprints because God carried the man through that time of trial. I felt that way this semester and it was so difficult to feel alone. But He was always there for me, quite literally carrying me through this entire semester.

Another story I think about is

After All We Can Do

by Elder Robbie Pierce

I had been in that hole for a very long time—

In the dark and the damp, in the cold and the slime.

The shaft was above me; I saw it quite clear,

But there’s no way I ever could reach it from here.

I could not remember the world way up there,

So I lost every hope and gave in to despair.

I knew nothing but darkness, the floor, and the wall.

Then from off in the distance I heard someone call:

“Get up! Get ready! There’s nothing the matter!

Take rocks and take sticks and build up a fine ladder!”

This was a thought that had not crossed my mind,

But I started to stack all the stones I could find.

When I ran out of stones, then old sticks were my goal,

For some way or another I’d climb from that hole.

I soon had a ladder that stood very tall,

And I thought, “I’ll soon leave this place once and for all!”

I climbed up my ladder, a difficult chore,

For from lifting those boulders, my shoulders were sore.

I climbed up the ladder, but soon had to stop,

For my ladder stopped short, some ten feet from the top.

I went back down my ladder and felt all around,

But there were no more boulders nor sticks to be found.

I sat down in the darkness and started to cry.

I’d done all I could do and I gave my best try.

But in spite of my work, in this hole I must die.

And all I could do was to sit and think, “Why?”

Was my ladder to short? Was my hole much too deep?

Then from way up on high came a voice: “Do not weep.”

And then faith, hope, and love entered into my chest

As the voice calmly told me that I'd done my best.

He said, “You have worked hard, and your labor’s been rough,

But the ladder you’ve built is at last tall enough.

So do not despair; there is reason to hope,

Just climb up your ladder; I’ll throw down my rope.”

I climbed up my ladder, then climbed up the cord.

When I got to the top of it, there stood the Lord.

I’ve never been happier; my struggle was done.

I blinked in the brightness that came from the Son.

I fell to the ground as His feet I did kiss.

I cried, “Lord, can I ever repay Thee for this?”

He looked all about. There were holes in the ground.

They had people inside, and were seen all around.

There were thousands of holes that were damp, dark and deep.

Then the Lord looked at me, and He said, “feed my sheep,”

And he went on his way to save other lost souls,

So I got right to work, calling down to the holes,

“Get up! Get ready! There is nothing the matter!

Take rocks, and take sticks, and build up a fine ladder!”

It now was my calling to spread the good word,

The most glorious message that man ever heard:

That there’s one who is coming to save one and all,

And we need to be ready when he gives the call.

He’ll pull us all out of the holes that we’re in

And save all our souls from cold death and from sin.

So do not lose faith; there is reason to hope:

Just climb up your ladder; he’ll throw down his rope.

I am so grateful that he has thrown his rope down to me. I may still be in that hole right now, but I have started to build my ladder.

I wanted to be so much further in progression at this point, but I have started the way up to the savior & that is all that matters.

I read the book "The Continuous Atonement". It talks about the feeling we get about being too mediocre to repent. But the word mediocre comes from the word mediocris, which means middle of the mountain. At least I started my journey up and am in the middle of the mountain rather than the very bottom.

From the talk "Repent...That I May Heal You" My favorite quote was this:

"The invitation to repent is rarely a voice of chastisement but rather a loving appeal to turn around and to “re-turn” toward God. ¹⁴ It is the beckoning of a loving Father and His Only Begotten Son to be more than we are, to reach up to a higher way of life, to change, and to feel the happiness of keeping the commandments. Being disciples of Christ, we rejoice in the blessing of repenting and the joy of being forgiven. They become part of us, shaping the way we think and feel."