day #30 "repent...that I may heal you"

The semester is winding down & here we are.

Me: More imperfect than ever. Feeling the weight of the world crashing down on me. I am trying so hard to find my footing and get back on track, but I am struggling more than I ever have. Trying really hard to rely on God. 

But I am searching to find that peace again. That part of me that is motivated to be the best. I am tired of just skimming through life

I know that that purpose of this assignment was to grow and develop the attribute that we had decided on. With my attribute, I definitely tried really hard this past month to work on becoming the best me that I could. But I failed. I slipped up and fell many times. I tried so hard to be that person that I used to be, but I failed. From the outside looking in, my progress on the this project seems dismal.

But if there is one thing that I learned is the incredible importance of the atonement. Never in my life have I viewed the Atonement like I do now. It is honestly the only way that we can ever return to live with our loving Heavenly Father. It is the greatest gift we will ever receive in our lives. And although this has probably been one of the hardest months of my life, I know that I had to go through this for a reason. Because of my trials & mistakes, I now have an infinite gratitude for the Savior and his atonement in my life.

I am eternally grateful for this assignment we had. It really made it so I took a step back and really evaluated how my life is right now. I wasn't happy. I knew that there was need for some hard changes in my life, but I know that the Lord has always been right next to me.

I love to think of that story where a man is walking down the beach. There are two sets of footprints in the sand. The man can see these and recognizes that God was walking with him along the beach of life. But then the storms come and trials come. At this point of darkness, the man only sees one set of footprints. Discouraged, he asks God that in the time of his deepest sorrow and most difficult trials that God left the man alone to walk down this part of the beach. God simply replied that He never left, but that there was only one set of footprints because God carried the man through that time of trial. I felt that way this semester and it was so difficult to feel alone. But He was always there for me, quite literally carrying me through this entire semester.

Another story I think about is

After All We Can Do

by Elder Robbie Pierce

I had been in that hole for a very long time—

In the dark and the damp, in the cold and the slime.

The shaft was above me; I saw it quite clear,

But there’s no way I ever could reach it from here.

I could not remember the world way up there,

So I lost every hope and gave in to despair.

I knew nothing but darkness, the floor, and the wall.

Then from off in the distance I heard someone call:

“Get up! Get ready! There’s nothing the matter!

Take rocks and take sticks and build up a fine ladder!”

This was a thought that had not crossed my mind,

But I started to stack all the stones I could find.

When I ran out of stones, then old sticks were my goal,

For some way or another I’d climb from that hole.

I soon had a ladder that stood very tall,

And I thought, “I’ll soon leave this place once and for all!”

I climbed up my ladder, a difficult chore,

For from lifting those boulders, my shoulders were sore.

I climbed up the ladder, but soon had to stop,

For my ladder stopped short, some ten feet from the top.

I went back down my ladder and felt all around,

But there were no more boulders nor sticks to be found.

I sat down in the darkness and started to cry.

I’d done all I could do and I gave my best try.

But in spite of my work, in this hole I must die.

And all I could do was to sit and think, “Why?”

Was my ladder to short? Was my hole much too deep?

Then from way up on high came a voice: “Do not weep.”

And then faith, hope, and love entered into my chest

As the voice calmly told me that I'd done my best.

He said, “You have worked hard, and your labor’s been rough,

But the ladder you’ve built is at last tall enough.

So do not despair; there is reason to hope,

Just climb up your ladder; I’ll throw down my rope.”

I climbed up my ladder, then climbed up the cord.

When I got to the top of it, there stood the Lord.

I’ve never been happier; my struggle was done.

I blinked in the brightness that came from the Son.

I fell to the ground as His feet I did kiss.

I cried, “Lord, can I ever repay Thee for this?”

He looked all about. There were holes in the ground.

They had people inside, and were seen all around.

There were thousands of holes that were damp, dark and deep.

Then the Lord looked at me, and He said, “feed my sheep,”

And he went on his way to save other lost souls,

So I got right to work, calling down to the holes,

“Get up! Get ready! There is nothing the matter!

Take rocks, and take sticks, and build up a fine ladder!”

It now was my calling to spread the good word,

The most glorious message that man ever heard:

That there’s one who is coming to save one and all,

And we need to be ready when he gives the call.

He’ll pull us all out of the holes that we’re in

And save all our souls from cold death and from sin.

So do not lose faith; there is reason to hope:

Just climb up your ladder; he’ll throw down his rope.

I am so grateful that he has thrown his rope down to me. I may still be in that hole right now, but I have started to build my ladder.

I wanted to be so much further in progression at this point, but I have started the way up to the savior & that is all that matters.

I read the book "The Continuous Atonement". It talks about the feeling we get about being too mediocre to repent. But the word mediocre comes from the word mediocris, which means middle of the mountain. At least I started my journey up and am in the middle of the mountain rather than the very bottom.

From the talk "Repent...That I May Heal You" My favorite quote was this:

"The invitation to repent is rarely a voice of chastisement but rather a loving appeal to turn around and to “re-turn” toward God. ¹⁴ It is the beckoning of a loving Father and His Only Begotten Son to be more than we are, to reach up to a higher way of life, to change, and to feel the happiness of keeping the commandments. Being disciples of Christ, we rejoice in the blessing of repenting and the joy of being forgiven. They become part of us, shaping the way we think and feel."

day #12 "strength during struggles"

Well this assignment is proving much more difficult than I could have imagined.

I didn't realize how lost I felt. 

The loneliness I feel everyday. 

I hate it. 

The grip that Satan has on my life. 

I am drowning.

I know my family is worried about me, and thats totally understandable. I feel just as lost as they think I am. I feel like I am just going through life, unhappy, and not trying to fix anything. I am trying so hard to feel motivated. 

To be completely honest, I have been slacking on my goals. I haven't written because I haven't been doing everything that I need to. I don't really feel worthy to feel that peace right now. I am not in a place where I can feel my Savior's love. That is completely my fault. I have let Satan have this power over me, where I feel I can't breathe. I just want to get back to where I was, but I know that I can't do it again. Last night I read my scriptures for the first time in a week, and I woke up feeling just a little bit better. 

I read the talk "Strength During Struggles" by Elder L. Lionel Kendrick. It was exactly what I needed to hear. 

Some parts that really stood out to me were:

"The Lord gives us a spirit of hope and a feeling of comfort and confidence that we can overcome the obstacles we face. He has shown the way to gain strength during our struggles. With His assistance, we have the ability to succeed. Listen to His words of counsel and comfort: “Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world … ; and none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost” (D&C 50:41–42).

"If our struggle is with sin, we must remember that He stands ready to forgive us if we truly repent. Too often we forget that He is a loving, caring, and merciful God. Some may feel that there is no hope because they have failed too many times. The Lord has counseled that there is great hope for sinners if they truly repent:"

"Trust in Him. Trust involves humility, a willing and submissive spirit to rely on Him and His revealed counsel. The Lord counsels, “Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36). We must submit our will to His will. Strength comes when we seek His will, not our will. He tenderly tells us to “be … humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers” (D&C 112:10). He is the way, and only through Him will we succeed."

Slowly but surely I will find my way back to him. I am determined to do what is best for me and to turn my direction back to him. He has never left me, but my pride has turned me away from the one person I should have never left. 

He is the only way. 

day #4 "trust in god, then go and do"

Trusting in God is something that I feel that I needed to work on today. 

I always feel like I don't always lean on him in all the ways that I should. Trusting that he knows what is going on is really hard for me. I always try to figure everything out thinking I know what the Lord wants, except it may not always be the case. 

As I was pondering the idea of fully trusting in the Lord, I immediately thought of Peter. I can't imagine what it must have been like to be in that boat. On that stormy sea for hours, thinking that relief would never come one would easily lose trust in the Lord. But he came. He always comes. When he told Peter to walk to him on the sea, Peter lead with faith and then doubted his ability to walk on water. Which wouldn't we all? The moment he took his eyes off the Lord and let doubt overwhelm him, thats when he started to sink. 

Over the past 4 months, I have never related to Peter more in my life. I thought a lot about how I feel the same. I am in that boat of life, feeling like this storm is never ending. But I know that the Lord is there for me. He has come to me and asked me to walk on the water. I started to walk, but I have doubted. I feel like I am sinking and just trying to figure out how to get back on top of the water. This project has motivated me to turn back to the Lord to get back on top. 

Today I had a much better day that yesterday. At work, I got to be at the front with one of my co workers who is going through something hard in her life. Although, I could have complained about my life I only asked her about her life. 

Also I made cookies today. I love cookies. Making cookies really makes me the happiest. So that pretty much made my day 100% better. 

I read the talk "Trust in God, Then Go and Do" by Henry B. Eyring

The part that really stood out to me was:

"You show your trust in Him when you listen with the intent to learn and repent and then you go and do whatever He asks. If you trust God enough to listen for His message in every sermon, song, and prayer in this conference, you will find it. And if you then go and do what He would have you do, your power to trust Him will grow, and in time you will be overwhelmed with gratitude to find that He has come to trust you."

day #3 "we are architects of our own happiness"

Today was not my day. 

I was reminded today that I am not a perfect person. 

That I make mistakes.
I will always need the atonement.
I will make mistakes, but the Savior will always be there for me.
He suffered for my sins and shortcomings so that I can repent.
Today I am eternally grateful for the atonement.
For a new piece of wood.

My sister once told me a metaphor about the atonement. In this life we are given a piece of wood. This piece of wood is given to us in perfect condition. Its nicely painted white with no dents or blemishes. As we go through life, the piece of wood can take a beating. The paint chips, there are dents, cracks happen, a nail here, a nail there, and overall takes a beating. But the Savior is always there. When we take advantage of the atonement we would think that he fixes the piece of wood. But with the atonement, we are given an entirely new piece of wood. This wood is perfect. No matter how many times we go through this process, the Savior is always there to give us a new piece of wood.


Today I needed a break. A break from all the chaos in my head. So I donated plasma and then came to campus. I got to meet up with an old friend who is always there for me to listen. He genuinely cares about me and wants to be there to help me in whatever I need. He made me go bowling with him which turned my tears of sadness to being so happy that I was crying tears of joy.

All the good little things that happened today showed me that God is still there. That no matter what happens, if I turn to the Lord he will give me a new piece of wood.
A new start.

This song was going through my head all day. Grateful for the message it brings.
"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,

Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.

I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,

That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died."

Today I read the talk "We are Architects of Our Own Happiness." By Gerald J. Causse

Some things that stood out to me:

"No, your happiness is not really the result of the circumstances of your life. It is much more the result of your spiritual vision and the principles upon which you base your life. These principles will bring you happiness regardless of the unexpected challenges and surprises you will inevitably face during your journeys here on earth."

"Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love." -Uchtdorf

"You probably remember the scene where Simba receives a visit from his father, Mufasa, the deceased king. After his father died, Simba fled far from the kingdom because he felt guilty about his father’s death. He wanted to escape his responsibility as heir to the throne. His father appears to him and warns him: “You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the circle of life.” Then this invitation is repeated several times: “Remember who you are. … Remember who you are.” Simba, completely shaken by this experience, decides to accept his destiny. He confides in his friend, the shaman monkey, that it “looks like the winds are changing.” The monkey replies, “Change is good.” And Simba says: “But it’s not easy. I know what I have to do. But going back means I’ll have to face my past. I’ve been running from it for so long.” “Where are you going?” the monkey asks him. “I’m going back!” cries Simba.⁸ We can all take—or take back—our place in the circle of life. Become who you really are. Your happiness and ability to find balance in your life will occur as you find, recognize, and accept your true identity as a child of our Heavenly Father and then live in accordance with this knowledge."

I am grateful for my trials. They have forced me to reevaluate my life and to recognize that I in fact am nothing without my Savior. 

Just taking life one day at a time. One day.

day #2 "fear not; I am with thee"

Today it snowed! It felt like winter for real, which actually kind of made me sad. Being from California, I really miss the sun. But I tried to make the best of this gloomy winter day. I got to sleep in today and just have a relaxing day. I woke up and did some homework, and then took a shower. I watched a movie and was very content with just being lazy for the time that I could. 

Around 12:30 I got a text from Christian saying that he was "dying of hunger" at work. Without a second thought, I asked him what he wanted and headed over to bring him lunch at work. With my daily goals always in my mind, I have been trying really hard to put others first. 

I wasn't the most healthy today...confession I had a twix bar at work, but I am definitely a work in progress. I rolled my ankle yesterday running so it may be a week before I feel comfortable fully working out. Tomorrow I will be better with eating healthy. 

Read the scriptures and could feel the gentle love of the spirit in my heart. I knew that God cares about me. Also got an email from my best friend who is serving her mission in Guatemala. I know that God works through other people in order to show his love for us. She is the one person who always knows what to say to calm my troubled heart. 

Today I read the talk titled "Fear Not; I Am with Thee" by Jean A. Stevens. I am scared of a lot of things in my life. I am scared to move to London next semester. I am scared that I am not in the right major. I am scared I am not living up to my full potential. This talk was exactly what I needed to feel a little bit of peace in my heart. Some parts I loved:

"As we develop greater faith and trust in the Lord, we can access His power to bless and deliver us.

We can trust that He will help us, not necessarily in the way we want but in the way that will best help us to grow. Submitting our will to His may be difficult, but it is essential to becoming like Him and finding the peace He offers us.

We can come to feel, as C. S. Lewis described: “I pray because I can’t help myself. … I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God. It changes me.”³

Speaking to each of us, the Lord says, “Fear … not; … I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; … I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

Overall it was another good day, just making baby steps to get to where I want to be as a person and daughter of God. 

Happy moment of the day:

Email except from my best friend Hermana Cornelison. She just makes my heart happy!

"Life isnt perfect...and it can be so hard and not turn out the way we want it too. But i know that we can do it. I know that we are here for eachother and I am always here to talk to you about whatever trial you have. you can trust in me!!!!! I am here for you and  most importantly, God is too."

day #1 "if you love me, keep my commandments"

Over the past 4 months, I have never felt farther from my Father in heaven. I have struggled with depression my whole life, and it has recently overpowered my entire life. I feel weak and want to become strong again. I want to start today to make it back to when I was confident and happy about the person I was. When I talked to my parents they stressed the importance of becoming a “whole person”. For this assignment, my goal is to start my journey back to being that whole person. This is by staying physically healthy, spiritually healthy, emotionally healthy, and looking outward and helping others instead of retreating into myself. 

My plan is as follows:

1. Spiritually: Make sure to read scriptures and pray daily.

2. Physically: Eat healthy & exercise often.

4. Spiritually: Read or listen to a conference talk a day

5. Looking Outward: Do at least one act of kindness daily

6. Emotionally: Record my feelings and what I am trying to do each day to become a happier and more whole individual in a blog.

Today was a good day to start. I have been feeling the heaviness of the world crashing around me lately, and needed this assignment to motivate me to start today. Ive hit my rock bottom, and the only way from here is up. I am obsessed with quotes, so motivation like this one really help me realize that I can do this. No matter how low I have felt the past couple of months, I am tough and I can handle whatever Satan throws me. 

The talk I listened to at work was "If you love me, keep my commandments" by Carole M. Stephens. I loved the message it taught about not just enduring, but finding joy in our journey home. This life is meant to be enjoyed. 

"Even with all of the mistakes, opposition, and learning that accompany our mortal experience, God never loses sight of our eternal potential, even when we do. We can trust Him “because God wants His children back.” And He has provided a way through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ. The Atonement “is the core of the plan of salvation.”

I know that my family has been worried about me in my time of personal trial right now, but I am grateful to know that the Lord will always be there for me. 

Today I prayed intently for the first time in a while. It was hard, but as I got on my knees I could feel the love the Savior does have for me. I made little steps today to work on myself. I tried to have a more positive attitude at work today, ate a healthy lunch, did bootcamp with Christian, and tried to focus more on others than my own problems. Today I made a baby step forward and I already feel just a little bit more happy than I was yesterday. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and his constant companionship. I know that I am nowhere near perfect, but I am eternally grateful for the atonement. I am grateful that my mistakes can be made right by giving it all to the Lord. He sacrificed to heal the broken hearts and forgive us all for our shortcomings in this life.

Happy moment from the day: 

Library with this boy. He makes me want to be the best person I can be. Grateful for him in my life & also is my library buddy so its a win win. Love him lots.